I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize