had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize