Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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