I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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