i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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