So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
it hurts more in the daytime
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
You may now shotgun with the bride
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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