HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
