I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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