I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
