Dude my mom stole all your condoms
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
