she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
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