I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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