Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
