I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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