Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
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