I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
