is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
