I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
