Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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