I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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