The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
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