does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I could fuck to npr.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
