I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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