I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
