She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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