So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
