I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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