Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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