She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
