Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
