I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
