I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
