I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
