i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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