The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
