1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Randomize
