i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
