I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Randomize