1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
