you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
