In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
