bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize