We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
