I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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