Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Do you think red sox nation has an official powerpoint template/memo format for resignations of manny support, bandwagon applications, and other official business?
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
