if you like me you must not know who I am
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Randomize
