just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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