I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
