I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
