Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
