i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
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