my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
my shit smells like andre
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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