How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Randomize
