girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Dignity is for republicans.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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