Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
